Road Rage

April 25, 2009 at 10:52 AM (Uncategorized)

People who aggravate the shit out of me on the roads and my suggestions on how to handle them

Richard Petty Wannabe

Mr RPW’s normal driving speed is somewhere between way-too-fucking-fast and WHAT-THE-HELL-WAS-THAT?? This is the guy that blows past you in the no passing zone doing three times the legal limit. It doesn’t matter that you were already doing 10-15 over the speed limit. That’s too slow for him. A car being ahead of him on a highway is an unacceptable situation that must be rectified as quickly as possible.

Mr RPW also takes off at every traffic light as if there is prize money at the next one that belongs to whoever gets to it first. The light turns green. The engine roars. The tires squeal. The car swoops from one lane to another trying to get ahead.

When you eventually reach the next red light and are forced to come to a complete stop, guess who is sitting there right next to you? That’s right. It’s Mr RPW again. The only thing all that silly ass race car wannabe crap accomplishes is to wear out tires and burn more gas than necessary. He doesn’t get to the other end of town one second faster than you do and probably burned a whole gallon of gas more than you did.

Solution:
Ignore him. So long as the idiot doesn’t cause a collision right in front of you, he doesn’t really affect you.

Farmer Bob

Farmer Bob prefers to drive his pick-up truck on two-lane state highways with lots of hills and/or blind curves. I am speaking of the sort of highway where it’s hard as hell to pass anyone because only rarely are there any straight stretches where you can see opposing traffic far enough to pass safely. Farmer Bob’s speed on such roadways will never be higher than the speed limit and is usually well below it.

Solution:
How I deal with Farmer Bob depends on just how far below the speed limit he is driving and whether or not I need to take a leak. If he’s doing like 53 in a 55, I’ll just back off a bit and hope he decides to turn off soon.

If he’s doing 40 in a 55 (or if the bottle of Mt Dew I drank earlier suddenly arrives in my bladder), I’m downshifting and flooring it at the earliest possible moment.

Tailgaters

Tailgaters are among the lowest form of scum you’ll see behind a steering wheel and should automatically and permanently lose their license if caught doing it.

Honestly, I don’t understand this at all. You are driving 2,000 pounds of steel fueled by an explosive chemical at 70MPH and you think it’s a good idea to do that half an inch behind the trunk of my car?

I am not Farmer Bob. I don’t speed by very much, but I always drive at or a little better than the speed limit. There is no damn reason to be riding right on my ass. If you want to go faster than me, pass me.

Solution:
I like V’s solution: slam on the fucking brakes.

As she correctly points out, regardless of the circumstances, when one vehicle collides with the ass end of another, it is always the fault of the rear driver.

Always. No exceptions.

No legitimate reason exists for one moving car to ever be so close to the rear of another moving car that its driver cannot come to a complete stop before colliding with it. That is not just good sense, it is the law. If your vehicle collides with the ass end of someone else’s vehicle, it is because A) you’re an idiot, B) you were too fucking close to it and C) you’re an idiot.

However, I like my car and newer versions of its model have been redesigned to be really ugly in comparison, so I’d rather not have it pancaked on the interstate. Also, I’ve had whiplash before and that shit is just unpleasant.

V also has another solution which basically is the same thing I do. I slow down.

When someone starts tailgating me, I take my foot off the throttle. It doesn’t matter to me whether it’s some dinky little highway in the middle of nowhere or it’s the freeway in the middle of the city. If they’re in that big a hurry, they can go around and I won’t do anything to stop them. Basicially, I want the fucker out from behind me, so I have no reason to block him.

On the other hand, I do not permit people to tailgate me. I just won’t fucking have it.

My foot stays off the throttle until this moron backs off or until we both slow to the legal minimum (40MPH on interstate highways). I’m not going to come to a complete stop in the middle of the road because that’s even dumber than tailgating, but I will slow to the minimum safe speed and I’m not going one inch faster until he goes around or backs the fuck off.

This almost always gets the message across loud and clear. Most people go around. Where that’s not possible, most people back off, at which point I speed back up to whatever speed I was going when this all started.

Occasionally, I will run into some psychopath that, for some unknown reason, will stay right on my ass despite the fact that we are now moving at bicycle speeds and he can go around whenever he wants. Rather than take the hint and just go around or back off, he sticks to me like glue. Sometimes he even lays on the horn and blinks his lights.

I don’t have a clue why people do this. At this point, they are behind me driving slower than they would like and they are doing it voluntarily, so what’s the point? Maybe we should dissect these people and examine their DNA. It might lead to a way to cure stupidity.

I have encountered these roadway psychopaths at least four times in my life. The first two times was before cell phones became so popular, so there was nothing for it but to wait them out and hope they’d give up or turn off soon.

The other two times I did have a cell phone. In both cases, I called 911 to report a drunk driver and described my location. I have to tell you, that shit was just funny. And satisfying, since tailgating is illegal, which means they got a ticket. And since drunk drivers do have a tendency to tailgate, I was perfectly justified in telling the cops that I thought the guy behind me was driving while blazed. For all I know, they really were.

Left Hand Luke

This is the person that decides to cruise along the freeway in the passing lane, without actually passing anyone. They do this at or below the speed limit and don’t seem to take the hint when they see a very large line of cars piled up behind them waiting to go around.

This one is just infuriating. The leftmost lane on the freeway (in the US anyway) is for passing vehicles to the right of that lane. If that is not what you are doing, you should not be in that lane. Not only should you not be in that lane, you are breaking the goddamn law if you are.

Solution:

Apparently, there is no real solution to this. If there is, someone please tell me.

I actually got pissed enough at somebody doing this once that I called the highway patrol to report it. They told me to get lost. Apparently the highway patrol is too busy working the speed traps to enforce any other law. No money in it I guess.

Cell Phone Users

Ugh. If you need to have a phone conversation that is so important that it can’t wait until you get to your destination, PULL THE FUCK OVER.

Solution:

In a growing number of locations, this is illegal. By all means, report it. Where this is still legal, just speed up or slow down and get as far from this idiot as possible, so that when they cause the inevitable collision, it is not with you.

There are other drivers that tick me off, but these are the main problem people. If we could somehow ban all of these asshats from all public roads, the rest of us would be extremely grateful.

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