You Can’t Kill People In The Library

April 27, 2009 at 5:59 AM (Uncategorized)

Pop Quiz

Q: You are driving down an aisle of cars in a parking lot. One car is stopped in the middle of the aisle with its turn signal blinking. It is near another car, in a slot, that has its reverse lights lit up. What does this mean?

Unless you’re a complete moron, you know the answer to that. One day, when I was 17 or 18 years old, some idiotic soccer mom apparently didn’t get the memo on that.

I had gone to the library to dump a pile of used books on them and had about 50 pounds worth in a thick, canvas bag (like a US mail carrier uses).

This branch of the library was located at one of the shopping malls and it usually was hard to find a parking spot near the entrance. Since I was a lazy teenager back then, I did not want to carry that damn bag half a mile across the parking lot.

There was a car sitting in a parking slot right in front of the library entrance with its engine running.

That was pretty stupid of its owner really, but it said to me “that car is about to leave. Let’s sit here for a minute”. I turned on my blinker and waited.

Sure enough, a guy came trotting out of the library a minute later and jumped in the car. He backed out and I pulled into the spot.


What the hell? o_O

I look behind me and see some fucking soccer mom’s SUV rocking back on its springs about two feet from my rear bumper. The stupid bitch had tried to swoop into that parking spot at warp speed when the other guy backed out. To this day, I don’t have a clue where the bitch came from, because she sure as hell wasn’t there when I started parking.

Soccer Mom throws her hands up in the air in the universal gesture of “well shit” and then roared off to find somewhere else to park. I rolled my eyes, muttered under my breath, grabbed my bag and went inside to add about 30 cheesy, slightly used science-fiction and horror books to the Chatham-Effingham-Liberty Regional Library System.

On my way out, Soccer Mom and her kid walks in the door.

She glares at me.

I glare at her.

When I’m halfway out the door, I hear a muttered “little jerk”.



I stopped walking. I dropped the bag. I bared my teeth (yes, really). I balled up my fists. I turned around to see if she was still within bitchslapping distance.

But no, she and her brat were walking across the lobby and not even looking at me.

I stood there and sucked in a breath that I was just about to use to holler “COME BACK HERE YOU SORRY FUCKING CUNT!” And then I was going to give her some free lessons in parking lot etiquette.

And then I didn’t.

Because I remembered I was in a library.

It wasn’t the realization that I was about to get myself into some very serious shit. It wasn’t the thought of handcuffs or that this was a pretty stupid thing to get arrested about. None of that shit even crossed my mind.

I stopped because I realized I was standing in a library and you just don’t make that kind of noise in the library. It irritates the librarians.

Or something like that.

Anyway, it checked me just long enough that I didn’t do anything at all but pick up my bag and walk back to my car.

I don’t understand people like that. I never did see that SUV until it nearly rammed me, but surely she had to see my car while sitting there in that big ass thing she was driving. Bitch tries to steal a parking spot out from under me, fails, nearly rams me in the process, then calls me names about it? In a library? While holding her kid’s hand???

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