Introducing The Highway Douchebag Elimination Act

August 26, 2010 at 12:07 AM (Uncategorized)

Mike Masnick asks the question, “Is there a better way to text while driving?” The only correct answer to that question is “No. Pull over.”

This issue enrages me and never fails to leave me standing in stunned, open-mouthed disbelief at just how much self-important douchebaggery exists within some people. I am constantly amazed at the willingness of so many people to risk killing themselves, their families and random strangers rather than simply letting a phone call go to voicemail.

And people who want to text while driving… Seriously? Texting?? REALLY??

Someone please enlighten me here. What could possibly be said during any phone call that outweighs the importance of not dying in your car?

When these discussions happen somewhere on the internets, the Douchebag Brigade always shows up in the comments to remind everyone that their right to not pay attention while piloting 3,000 pounds of metal and explosive liquids is far more important than everyone else’s right to not be murdered by them.

For example, there is this asshole in the TechDirt comments:

I have a perfect driving record – no accidents save getting rear ended by a drunk driver. The only speeding tickets I’ve received were from the days before texting.

Cue Dwight Schrute: FACT! I’m a safe driver.

And yes, I text behind the wheel. I also eat, talk on the phone (now with handsfree thanks to my new car), listen to nagging girlfriend stories, check email, use my GPS, change the radio station, sing to CDs, and occasionally have conversations with passengers.

No dumbass, you are just lucky. I just hope that on the day when that luck runs out, your victim is a utility pole and not a 10 year old waiting for the school bus.

People, your state-granted privilege to drive on the public’s asphalt does not outweigh my fundamental human right not to be killed by you. Get over yourselves.

A good point is made during these arguments. Laws that forbid holding a phone while driving are silly. The problem is not with the number of hands holding the wheel. The problem is people talking on the phone when they should be watching the road. It takes concentration to listen to a person talk and more concentration to reply to what they’re saying.

Here’s a better law. Forget the traffic ticket. When someone is caught wandering all over the road because they were talking on the phone, putting on makeup or fucking with the CD player, let’s give them a choice:

Choice A – 90 days in jail
Choice B – 500 hours of community service, all of it spent cleaning up the blood, glass, gas, antifreeze and motor oil left on the street after an auto collision
Choice C – One night being the person at the Highway Patrol who has to call the parents and spouses of people killed by douchebags on the road.

We can call it the Highway Douchebag Elimination Act. Who’s with me?


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